Here goes...
Okay...so all of my new mommy friends think I am this put together girl...but that is just one of my personas. I don't even really know what/who I am anymore. I seem to make new personas with each friend. Sad to say. I really do though.
For instance, those that have known me since I was a kid know I am this big fat dork. The girl that was a tomboy and a very shy never confrontational person. Always trying to please everyone but myself. I am soooo insecure about myself that I hid from boys and was so afraid to talk to the "popular" kids for fear they would make fun of me. I wore glasses that weren't always straight because I was always rough housing with the boys and they would fall off and get stepped on. My one acknowledgement was that I was actually nominated for "best eyes" for the yearbook my senior year. Of course I didn't get it because really it is a popularity contest and I was sooo NOT popular. I loved the cute boys but kept my crushes to myself because I wasn't exactly cute. The one time I did wear a little mascara and wore my hair down my grandma said I looked like a streetwalker. But I will save Grandma for another blog.
For my friends that knew me from working, they think I am this confident and outgoing person. I am outgoing once I get to know you but really I am shy and insecure. Always have I guess. I started wearing make up a few times a week but am very low maintanence so it became maybe once a week. Always wore my hair in a ponytail because it bothers me to have it in my face.
I thought when I moved away from CA I would be able to start over with a new persona. I know that is lame but sometimes I don't really feel like anything but my son's mom. I have gone through so much drama as a child/teen/adult that I try to make people like me and when that happens I become someone else. Man I am sounding really weird right now huh.
I hold a lot of my personal dilemmas in because I am afraid ya'll with think I am a loser or something. I love my new friends and am trying to be as real as possible but sometimes I don't really know who that is. I really think I need some form of therapy...maybe this. Just to get everything out. I should start from the beginning.
When my brother was born, my dad left my mom for another lady so I didn't know him at all. My mom remarried this loser and then divorced him. My sister and I were opposites but friends I guess. My brother stayed with my mom's parents because they knew my mom could barely handle my sister and me. My sister and I are 4.5 years apart from each other. So anyways. My mom met this great guy, Richard "Papa", he was my dad for such a long time. He raised me for almost 10 years. But because of my sister they never got married. Something would always come up with my sister to postpone things and then we had to move back when my grandpa died. I didn't really know my g-parents much because they lived in CA and I lived in CT. They came to visit but they always favored my brother over the other g-kids. Well when my grandpa died my grandma asked us to move back that was in 1990. I hated her for that for the longest time because I was about to start jr high and loved all my friends. I didn't want to leave Papa back in CT either. He couldn't handle the heat of CA.
Well I resented my grandma for the longest time. I didn't want a grandma to raise me I wanted a grandma that came for a visit and spoiled us like most people had. My sister was a rebel at this point and doing whatever she wanted including running away and all that. Oh when I forgot to mention that we kept moving back and forth between CA and CT throughout my childhood but mostly in CT with Papa. My mom couldn't decide I guess...not sure. Okay back to my story. I think I was in 6th grade in CA for half a year and my mom hooked up with this loser guy, Ron. Well to make a long story short and because I don't really like talking about it...he molested me. I remember one time while my mom took a trip with my sister to CT and left me home with him...he offered me $10 if he could fondle my butt...of course I declined but never said anything to my mom about it. I also remember once waking up to him touching my privates over my pajamas. Again I still never told my mom. I wanted her to be happy and she seemed to like this guy. So I just kept it inside. I think that is another reason I was so withdrawn as a kid. I actually didnt tell my mom about it till a few months ago during a fight I was having with her. I am getting off track here...sorry. Well I started Jr High and wanted to be a cheerleader so bad so I started practicing to be one. I went home to ask my mom and grandma if I could and my grandma told me no because cheerleaders were hoes. I was in 7th grade...how could they be hoes. But my brother got to play baseball and football and anything he wanted. I hated her for that too. She let him do everything but I was stuck doing nothing just sitting back and watching him do everything. This whole time my sister was running away and joining gangs and doing drugs. I was trying to make my mom happy again because my sister made her so mad. Mom had to work two jobs so really it was my grandma that controlled everything. When I was in 8th grade my sister had gotten pregnant with my nephew. Well since she was hardly around I was the one that got up with him in the night. I loved feeling needed. We were really close me and Micheal. I finished Jr High and started high school where I thought if I joined some clubs I might fit in better but that wasn't the case. Freshman year was clubs for me. Sophomore year I thought I would try a sport so I played softball...i loved that but Grandma didn't like it much. No one ever came to see my games...not even my family. I understood my mom worked 2 jobs to take care of us but what about my brother, sister, grandma...anyone. I didn't get a boyfriend until I was a jr because I was afraid of liking boys...due to my experience with Ron. I was a tomboy so I played football and other guy things with my bro and his friends but no one ever looked at me that way. Then came Humberto Andrade. God I loved that boy...he played basketball and I helped with the basketball stats...just to be closer to him. Well Jr year I actually decided to try out for Auxiliaries. I made the tall flags squad and was so excited...again grandma wasn't. And again my family never came to any of the parades I was in. I had a blast with my newly made friends on the squad. But still was never popular. Senior year I was still dating Humberto and still loving him. I kept making him wait for sex because my sister scared me by getting pregnant so young I didn't want that for myself. He understood which was great. He had graduated my jr year so I didn't see him during the day...he would visit on lunch but he was in college so I didn't see him as much as I wanted to. I started working at Walmart in May of my senior year. My mom worked for the photo dept as her 2nd job and I missed her so much I wanted to see her more often so I applied to be a cashier. I got it and that is when I met Julian...man I fell hard for him but at the same time I was dating Humberto. I couldn't take crushing on Julian and dating at the same time but Julian had a girlfriend so I did. Beto and I went to my Sr Prom but I paid for it all because I was the one working. I don't remember much about prom itself but I remember wanting to dance more but that Beto didn't know how so we didn't do much. I finally got asked to dance with my freshman crush but didn't out of respect for Beto. Well we ended up breaking up in July of 96. I was still in love with Julian. I actually told my mom that I would marry him and have his kids one day. CRAZY I KNOW! But I felt something from the first time I saw him. He tells me now that he thought I talked too much...but that is true.
Okay I think I am gonna stop for now since Gabriel is harrassing me to go already. lol...so for now...to be continued...
For instance, those that have known me since I was a kid know I am this big fat dork. The girl that was a tomboy and a very shy never confrontational person. Always trying to please everyone but myself. I am soooo insecure about myself that I hid from boys and was so afraid to talk to the "popular" kids for fear they would make fun of me. I wore glasses that weren't always straight because I was always rough housing with the boys and they would fall off and get stepped on. My one acknowledgement was that I was actually nominated for "best eyes" for the yearbook my senior year. Of course I didn't get it because really it is a popularity contest and I was sooo NOT popular. I loved the cute boys but kept my crushes to myself because I wasn't exactly cute. The one time I did wear a little mascara and wore my hair down my grandma said I looked like a streetwalker. But I will save Grandma for another blog.
For my friends that knew me from working, they think I am this confident and outgoing person. I am outgoing once I get to know you but really I am shy and insecure. Always have I guess. I started wearing make up a few times a week but am very low maintanence so it became maybe once a week. Always wore my hair in a ponytail because it bothers me to have it in my face.
I thought when I moved away from CA I would be able to start over with a new persona. I know that is lame but sometimes I don't really feel like anything but my son's mom. I have gone through so much drama as a child/teen/adult that I try to make people like me and when that happens I become someone else. Man I am sounding really weird right now huh.
I hold a lot of my personal dilemmas in because I am afraid ya'll with think I am a loser or something. I love my new friends and am trying to be as real as possible but sometimes I don't really know who that is. I really think I need some form of therapy...maybe this. Just to get everything out. I should start from the beginning.
When my brother was born, my dad left my mom for another lady so I didn't know him at all. My mom remarried this loser and then divorced him. My sister and I were opposites but friends I guess. My brother stayed with my mom's parents because they knew my mom could barely handle my sister and me. My sister and I are 4.5 years apart from each other. So anyways. My mom met this great guy, Richard "Papa", he was my dad for such a long time. He raised me for almost 10 years. But because of my sister they never got married. Something would always come up with my sister to postpone things and then we had to move back when my grandpa died. I didn't really know my g-parents much because they lived in CA and I lived in CT. They came to visit but they always favored my brother over the other g-kids. Well when my grandpa died my grandma asked us to move back that was in 1990. I hated her for that for the longest time because I was about to start jr high and loved all my friends. I didn't want to leave Papa back in CT either. He couldn't handle the heat of CA.
Well I resented my grandma for the longest time. I didn't want a grandma to raise me I wanted a grandma that came for a visit and spoiled us like most people had. My sister was a rebel at this point and doing whatever she wanted including running away and all that. Oh when I forgot to mention that we kept moving back and forth between CA and CT throughout my childhood but mostly in CT with Papa. My mom couldn't decide I guess...not sure. Okay back to my story. I think I was in 6th grade in CA for half a year and my mom hooked up with this loser guy, Ron. Well to make a long story short and because I don't really like talking about it...he molested me. I remember one time while my mom took a trip with my sister to CT and left me home with him...he offered me $10 if he could fondle my butt...of course I declined but never said anything to my mom about it. I also remember once waking up to him touching my privates over my pajamas. Again I still never told my mom. I wanted her to be happy and she seemed to like this guy. So I just kept it inside. I think that is another reason I was so withdrawn as a kid. I actually didnt tell my mom about it till a few months ago during a fight I was having with her. I am getting off track here...sorry. Well I started Jr High and wanted to be a cheerleader so bad so I started practicing to be one. I went home to ask my mom and grandma if I could and my grandma told me no because cheerleaders were hoes. I was in 7th grade...how could they be hoes. But my brother got to play baseball and football and anything he wanted. I hated her for that too. She let him do everything but I was stuck doing nothing just sitting back and watching him do everything. This whole time my sister was running away and joining gangs and doing drugs. I was trying to make my mom happy again because my sister made her so mad. Mom had to work two jobs so really it was my grandma that controlled everything. When I was in 8th grade my sister had gotten pregnant with my nephew. Well since she was hardly around I was the one that got up with him in the night. I loved feeling needed. We were really close me and Micheal. I finished Jr High and started high school where I thought if I joined some clubs I might fit in better but that wasn't the case. Freshman year was clubs for me. Sophomore year I thought I would try a sport so I played softball...i loved that but Grandma didn't like it much. No one ever came to see my games...not even my family. I understood my mom worked 2 jobs to take care of us but what about my brother, sister, grandma...anyone. I didn't get a boyfriend until I was a jr because I was afraid of liking boys...due to my experience with Ron. I was a tomboy so I played football and other guy things with my bro and his friends but no one ever looked at me that way. Then came Humberto Andrade. God I loved that boy...he played basketball and I helped with the basketball stats...just to be closer to him. Well Jr year I actually decided to try out for Auxiliaries. I made the tall flags squad and was so excited...again grandma wasn't. And again my family never came to any of the parades I was in. I had a blast with my newly made friends on the squad. But still was never popular. Senior year I was still dating Humberto and still loving him. I kept making him wait for sex because my sister scared me by getting pregnant so young I didn't want that for myself. He understood which was great. He had graduated my jr year so I didn't see him during the day...he would visit on lunch but he was in college so I didn't see him as much as I wanted to. I started working at Walmart in May of my senior year. My mom worked for the photo dept as her 2nd job and I missed her so much I wanted to see her more often so I applied to be a cashier. I got it and that is when I met Julian...man I fell hard for him but at the same time I was dating Humberto. I couldn't take crushing on Julian and dating at the same time but Julian had a girlfriend so I did. Beto and I went to my Sr Prom but I paid for it all because I was the one working. I don't remember much about prom itself but I remember wanting to dance more but that Beto didn't know how so we didn't do much. I finally got asked to dance with my freshman crush but didn't out of respect for Beto. Well we ended up breaking up in July of 96. I was still in love with Julian. I actually told my mom that I would marry him and have his kids one day. CRAZY I KNOW! But I felt something from the first time I saw him. He tells me now that he thought I talked too much...but that is true.
Okay I think I am gonna stop for now since Gabriel is harrassing me to go already. lol...so for now...to be continued...
posted by Jennifer @ 9:55 AM
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