here goes again..

Okay so I left off on meeting Julian. Well I was 17 then. I was getting mad at my grandma for telling me I was turning out to be just like my sister. For criminey sakes I didn't have sex with my boyfriend for over a year and half of being together but she still kept harassing me about it. So I moved out the day before I turned 18 because she kept saying she was gonna kick me out when I turned 18...finally I beat her to the punch at something. Well I moved in with my best friend at the time and her parents. Kristina and I had been friends since my mom and her mom worked together for years. She was a great friend to me. We were practically inseparable for the longest time. But then finally Julian noticed me after all the little notes I would leave him and I think Kris got jealous of my blooming relationship with Julian. We started dating in Dec of 96. At first Kris and I still hung out but I was spending more and more time with Julian. We actually moved in together after only 3 months. It was like we were obsessed with each other. Well that was a short lived moment when I decided to move out of Kris's and back to my mom's. I missed my mom...I'm such a momma's girl. A few days after that Julian called me to tell me that he and Kris slept together...Kris was supposed to go check on Julian when he was sick and well there you go. I was so hurt that my best friend and boyfriend would do that to me. Well Kris had found out that I wasn't a virgin so she slept with the first guy she could...that was Abel. She ended up getting pregnant and was pregnant when I moved out but she hadn't told me. Well she was mad at me for being happy and her not being so she slept with Julian. Not that I am taking any of the blame away from Julian at all but then she tried to say that it was Julian's baby. Drama ensued of course and I stuck by Julian's side. I told you I loved him and I knew he wasn't the dad. 6 months later she gave birth so finally she admitted that it wasn't Julian's. Well it was rough for me and Julian for a little bit...hard for me to trust him again. I stopped having female friends to prevent the temptation again. We were so happy for a few years. I thought that I could trust him again. Well turns out that he was chatting with other people online and phone late at night after I was asleep. So we broke up again. I moved back home with my parents. I started dating this really hot white boy who turned out to be my first boyfriend's brother (I dated his brother for a week but never even kissed him so I don't really count him). We dated for a few months when he decided to join the Army. Let me tell you first that he was only 18 and I was 21. He was just graduating high school. What the hell was I thinking right...well he was beautiful and he thought I was too. It was so flattering to me to have a cute guy like me. Not saying that Julian or Beto were ugly but he was different. Tall, lean muscles, blonde hair, blue eyes...wow...very surfer boy. I had always wanted to date a surfer but of course they never looked at me. Okay back to the story....He left for boot camp and we wrote each other every day but I still kept thinking about Julian. I saw him a few times and we had lunch together. I felt butterflies so I thought we could try again. He wrote me a great apology letter about how he was so wrong with everything he had done and blah blah blah. So I broke it off with Randy to be with Julian. Well Randy didn't like that much so he drained my account of all the money I had...I almost had my car reposessed because of it. Fixed all that and Julian and I were happy again. We got pregnant in late 1999 but I miscarried that was rough on all of us. Julian took it really hard as I did too. But we stuck it out. I thought it was time to add to our group of friends in 2000 and thought since my brother and I were really close again he and his girlfriend would be fine. Well I didn't like his girlfriend from the time I met her...she was a golddigger and he let her be and bought her whatever she wanted. Granted we don't have much money but what he did get he spent on her. Well I got pregnant in Oct 2000 (my bday to be exact) and thought we were so happy. We had gone to Monterey for my bday and had a great time. But I felt something was wrong with us again. Weird how you feel that way. I was about 3 months pregnant when I got this vision that Julian and my bro's g/f were together. We were all planning on going to Vegas for a boxing fight and the day before we were leaving Julian and I had a fight that he was talking to Mandi (my bro's g/f) too much and I didn't like that. Well he said he would stop but I don't know what I was thinking but I went to work that day but left early to go home because I had a vision of the 2 of them together. Crazy as it seemed I hid in the closet with our poor cat sitting outside the closet door meowing and pawing at the door. Well Julian came home and then I heard Mandi come in...my bro dropped her off so he could go get a haircut down the street. Well next thing I know they are talking and it goes quiet. I started freaking out and jumped out of the closet and Mandi had him pinned to the wall kissing...OMG! You have no idea the rage that came out after that. I started swinging at both of them. Here I am 3 months pregnant supposed to be happy in love and my boyfriend is making out with my brother's girlfriend. WTF!!! I guess Julian hadn't told her I was pregnant because I threatened to have an abortion (which by the way never would have happened as I could never do that!) and she looked shock but still said nothing. I didn't know what I was gonna do. Well Julian kept apologizing and yada yada and I thought I would just go on with my life without him. We ended up still going to Vegas the 4 of us (not really talking to each other the whole time) but we paid bank for the tickets and I wasn't gonna waste them. So I moved back out to my mom's...I know seems to be a repeating habit huh. Julian and Mandi continued to see each other all the while Julian is calling me telling me he loves me and that he wants us to be together. I would drive by her house and his car would be there...I know a stalker but hey I was pregnant and the hormones made me crazy. So for the next 6 months I was alone and didn't have a clue what I was gonna do. How was I supposed to raise a baby on my own. After I had Gabriel I moved back in with Julian with the understanding he wouldn't do it again. But I couldn't trust him. Wow...I am sounding really loserish right now. But we worked through things for the baby. Things were going well but I kept feeling something was wrong. Here we go again...I moved back home with my mom. For 2 years I lived there...dating Julian while he did his thing but not living together. Then my brother and I decided to get an apartment together close to where Julian was renting so he could spend time with Gabriel. Then I got pregnant with Diego. So we thought we were gonna be this big happy family. We were happy not living together but dating. We even had been talking about getting married. But of course pregnancy delayed that. I began trusting him again here I am now. Julian got offered a transfer to Ohio since they were gonna close his office in CA. I told him yes without even thinking about it. I think getting away from all the drama of CA has helped us a lot. I still don't have many female friends that I am close with. I miss it really bad. I am meeting great women now...married ones! Happily married ones. But sometimes I still wonder sometimes if Julian can really handle being with just one person. I think he saw all his friends being single and having a great time dating around and that he felt left out and that is why he had done what he did. But I never did anything like that so I don't know what he could possibly be thinking. I am sounding so desperate but I really do think Julian and I belong together...from the moment I set eyes on him I knew it. I never thought I would stay with someone that cheated on me but there is just something about Julian that has me hooked. Okay so I don't want you to think of him in a bad way...he really is a great guy if you look past all the negative that he has done to me. He has really made an effort to be a great dad. He is much more active now with the boys. I was a single parent for 4 years and it was hard but well worth it.
I skipped a few parts in my story. Sometimes I get engrossed in certain parts of my life. But I will save some parts for another entry in this new diary of mine. I am really happy now in my life but still don't know who I am and what I want to do with my life. I am first and foremost a mom to my boys but is that all I am now. A mom...its a great job but is that all I am now. I feel that is all I am I am not Jennifer anymore although like I said before I don't know who the real me is anymore as I have created so many personas. Alas, I have nothing else for now. Life is passing me by so quickly now...I better go catch up. Jennifer