I can't really...

put my thoughts into words these past few months. I really love my job and love my kids but I feel like I want or need something different. I don't know what it is that I want to be different but I just feel like something isn't right. I read a lot (living vicariously through the books I suppose) and I crave that type of life I guess.

I have been reading about all these independent women going out and instantly connecting with these people they end up spending their life with. When does that actually happen. I guess I missed that one. I did fall in love instantly with Julian but things seem to be different. You know after awhile things just change...I love him and all but it just isn't the same as before. I don't know if it is because of the things he has done or if my feelings have changed. I never pictured myself with anyone but him since we started together.

Granted there was one other person I was with during one of our break-ups and I truly lusted for that person and I felt I loved them but I didn't see my future with him (I don't think). I always saw Julian as the person I would end up with. And now of course he is the father of my children and the person I intend to spend the rest of my life with but sometimes I wonder if I am missing something. I know it is lame but still something that I feel/think about.

Am I crazy to be thinking this? I guess I read the stories and want more. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to just not have the kids and be "dating". I never really had much time to do that since Julian and I were together when I was 18. I went from one boyfriend to the next and never really was on my own. Even during the times when we didn't live together or anything I never moved on. Do you think I settled? I don't know. It is frustrating to me some days.

Okay this was just a random post. I am just rambling my wonders. Thanks for reading.