14 more days

I can't wait to see my boys again. Julian still calls everyday to check on them and to get daily updates. Julian's mom says the boys are doing great and having an awesome time. Jealous is one of the words I have to describe my feelings...lol. I want to be sharing in all their adventures so I can feel/see what they are doing. Diego is talking more. He knows how to say "grampa" and "gramma". It is so cute when he does that I tear up.

So we are still being productive at home. We bought two sitting chairs last weekend when we went to Garden Ridge. They were onsale for $99 each from $169. They are leather like (I don't think they are real leather though) and they look just like the ones I was going to buy at IKEA but these will be easier to clean. Just wipe off and the other ones were canvas so I would have had a mess on my hands if the boys or Julian spilled or dropped food on them. And we got the bedding for Gabriel's two beds. One will be Superman and the other Spider man. We still have to get Diego a new bedding set. They have a Mickey Mouse set at Wal*mart but I can't believe they want $40 for it. INSANE! But I will get it anyways because he loves Mickey Mouse.

I also got these fabulously comfortable pillows at Garden Ridge. Those were the best $20 I ever spent. I have slept so much better on them these past few days it is great! That and not having to get up at 6 helped a little. I still can't sleep later than 7 but still...that extra hour is a life saver.

I've slowly but surely lost a few pounds. I am at 180 this morning. I am sure if I didn't eat those bbq chicken wings I would lose a few more but they are so darn good. I don't want to deprive myself too much. I was planning to get my hair cut before I picked up the boys but I'm thinking about waiting a while longer that way I know my hair is long enough.

Well I have to get back to work now. Talk to ya'll later. Jennifer

Productive

So I have been busy shopping and setting up house...lol! Sounds so funny since we have lived her over a year now and am just now getting things for the house that we have been wanting. I love it. And right now without having the boys' daycare fees we can actually afford to get a few things that are much needed...like actual dressers for the boys instead of the plastic ones that suck!

I have actually finally accomplished getting more pictures on the walls. Bringing in some little things to decorate the bathrooms. We are planning an outing to IKEA next weekend to get some sitting chairs and the boys their dressers. I am also trying to get an entertainment center but seem to be running into the expensive ones that I love but am nowhere near able to afford. I get all excited to see them then look at the tag and get sad again...lol. I've been checking almost everywhere in Columbus, I have even ventured to check out Ebay but the ones I like are so dang far away and not exactly in places I plan to go anytime soon...including Michigan. I'll just keep checking around.

I have still got to do something with my room though...I need a dresser seriously bad...I am hoping to get a chest that both Julian and I can use vs us using the 2 that we have. Mine is literally falling apart. The bottom of the drawers have all started to cave in and prevent me from even going in the drawers. Pain in the ass let me tell you!

Julian and I have been walking or doing the walking video at least 5 days a week. I can tell that my shape is changing but the damn scale hasn't really gone down. Which is rather frustrating but whatever. As long as the clothes fit differently. When I look at myself in the mirror before jumping in the shower or just getting out of it I still look lumpy and am seriously contemplating having a tummy tuck someday. That baby sack that I have left over is gross and the stretchmarks aren't any better. And the stomach I have is so weird shaped. I'm just glad it is shrinking slowly but surely.

I am going to be doing a drastic haircut before leaving to pick the boys up. I am donating the hair that is cut to "LOCKS OF LOVE". My grandma had cancer and when she lost all her hair she felt naked. We had all offered to shave our head so she wouldn't be the "oddball" of the family and of course she told me if I ever shaved my head she would be so mad. This way I am donating to a great cause. We had tried getting her a wig but it looked so fake and the ones that are made of real hair were so much money. This company buys them and donates them to children/adults that have lost all their hair. It is definately a giveback to my grandma in a way that I couldn't do before. I know she would be proud.

I miss my boys immensly. They have been gone now for a little over 2 weeks. I don't call them everyday like I want because everytime I do Gabriel is like "What now Mom?" Oh but when Daddy calls he is all excited. I am a little hurt by that. I am much cooler than Dad is dangit! Diego gets excited but when I hear him chatting I start to cry because I miss them so much. Gabriel is doing great there. Going on adventures and such with his cousins. Diego is still adjusting the comings and goings of family that come to visit. But I know he is in good hands but I miss him all the same. I only call on the weekends and leave Julian to do the calling when he wants (way more than me!). He calls at least once a day if not more...lol. I feel a little part of me is missing without them here...it is nice to get things done but doesn't mean I don't miss them.

I was going through their closets this past weekend to get rid of some of the clothes they have either outgrown or have been thrashed. It is funny to look at the clothes and remember what we did in them. I remember activities where they were wearing them...and how much fun we had. I sat in the closet crying...it was sad and luckily Julian was downstairs because had he come up I would have been hysterical. I am getting better though. I have their pictures up here at work and I just like to stare at them and smile. My boys are the best...I am biased though! Love you boys!

frustrated, excited, saddened.

So I am feeling both frustration and excitement right now. I am frustrated because I have been on a "diet" and have been walking so fricken much but have seemed to gain 3 lbs. I know muscle weighs more but dang...you would think with the lack of junk food I have ingested would help but it hasn't. I love walking but feel like it isn't working out for me this time around. I even have been running...okay not for a long period at a time...I'm a big girl it doesn't come that easily for me to run long periods of time. But I have been walking 3-6 miles 4-5 times a week. Granted my legs look more muscular but not smaller. I even wear a sweatband around my waist and sweat it out. I am literally dripping with sweat by the time I get home...and yet nothing...just more. UGH!

Okay so I am so excited to be going back to Cali in a week. I am hoping for a better outcome this time around of course. I'm excited because Julian and I are taking the boys to Disneyland and I love Disneyland. Julian's parents are coming with us too. And they were great when we went last time. I want to get Diego his "Mickey" ears so he and Gabriel both have a pair.

My sister has had to move back in with my parents because she was evicted from her apartment. So far there hasn't been much drama there but I'm sure it is boiling and when I get there it might go over. I am not staying at my parents so I can avoid the drama before it starts. I am staying with my buddy Nancy. She just bought a condo in Camarillo that she is opening for me and the boys.

We are having a huge party for Gabriel on Saturday 30th. I love the parties we have in CA. And Dad (Julian's dad) is bbqing and he is the best. Julian's family is so wonderful with bringing side dishes and I love his aunt's potato salad...It's perfect! And his other aunt makes the best beans...yum. I can taste everything now...my mouth is watering. Not to leave Diego out, we will be having a party when we go to pick them up in Aug. Even though it isn't his birthday I want him to have a party for himself there which is shared with everyone in the family.

I am saddened knowing that the boys will be without me for 7 weeks. I know they are in good hands with Julian's family but doesn't mean that I think I can't do better...lol. Julian's parents are stoked of course to have them for the summer. They plan to do tons of fun things. I wish I could be there with them to share their excitement. I know it will be rough to not have them around but hopefully I can get things done while they are gone.

I'm hoping to get a side job to get some extra cash and to keep my mind off missing the boys. I mean I can't stop missing them but pre-occupying my time will help. Make the time go by fast I suppose. I would like to stop living paycheck to paycheck you know. It sucks not being able to shop like I did before and not worry about waiting for the next check to come in.

I can't really...

put my thoughts into words these past few months. I really love my job and love my kids but I feel like I want or need something different. I don't know what it is that I want to be different but I just feel like something isn't right. I read a lot (living vicariously through the books I suppose) and I crave that type of life I guess.

I have been reading about all these independent women going out and instantly connecting with these people they end up spending their life with. When does that actually happen. I guess I missed that one. I did fall in love instantly with Julian but things seem to be different. You know after awhile things just change...I love him and all but it just isn't the same as before. I don't know if it is because of the things he has done or if my feelings have changed. I never pictured myself with anyone but him since we started together.

Granted there was one other person I was with during one of our break-ups and I truly lusted for that person and I felt I loved them but I didn't see my future with him (I don't think). I always saw Julian as the person I would end up with. And now of course he is the father of my children and the person I intend to spend the rest of my life with but sometimes I wonder if I am missing something. I know it is lame but still something that I feel/think about.

Am I crazy to be thinking this? I guess I read the stories and want more. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to just not have the kids and be "dating". I never really had much time to do that since Julian and I were together when I was 18. I went from one boyfriend to the next and never really was on my own. Even during the times when we didn't live together or anything I never moved on. Do you think I settled? I don't know. It is frustrating to me some days.

Okay this was just a random post. I am just rambling my wonders. Thanks for reading.

Thank goodness!

I have never been so happy to have a period. I was freaking out all day. But when I got home it happened. I was so relieved I was screaming "YES! YES! YES!" in the bathroom...lol.

So I guess it was thrown off by something but I am just glad it is here. Julian too...he looked relieved when I told him I started.

Freaking out a bit

Okay so I know it has been a while but I am having a bit of a freak out right now. So I had to jot this down somewhere and here seemed like a good place. Bear with me during this minor breakdown as it may be premature but valid all the same.

I'll start by saying that I'm late. As in only a few days past my regular start date for my monthly friend. I am usually VERY regular. I usually start on Monday night or Tuesday morning. Granted it is only Thursday morning but still. I did recently start the pill but I don't remember it ever changing my cycle especially since they are what is supposed to keep you "regular". I'm already on my 5th white pill and haven't started. Is it crazy to freak out like this. I just don't remember not being regular.

Sad thing is I only just started having sex after an 8 month dryspell. And I was on the pill for 2 weeks before even thinking about having sex. Could it be that I could get pregnant the first time around again. WTH! This is not supposed to be happening. I can't afford another kid right now. I mean I will love the baby if I am but I am just not ready for another one.

I keep stressing on it now because I am finally getting into the swing of working and enjoying meeting all the people here in my office. Everyone is so nice and I really love what I do. There will be no way that I can continue working once I have the baby. Hello...It already costs too much for the boys to be in daycare. But if I don't work we won't be able to afford the bills. UGH! I am crying now just thinking about it. I mean I love kids...my kids...they are wonderful but I just don't think I can do it again right now.

Gabriel has been asking to have a sister and I just keep telling him "that's nice" and Julian has been teasing me about Gabriel and Diego wanting a sister. I am not near my family and they have helped me so much while I was pregnant. My mom was in the delivery room calming me down both times. Granted they were both easy pregnancies but I would want my mom here with me and she isn't. I don't think I can do it without her.

OMG I can't believe I am crying here at work. I have to stop writing for now. It is rather embarrassing to cry at work especially when it affects my voice and hello...I talk on the phone so I need it to sound right. lol. *sigh* I will keep you posted on my little freak out. Hopefully it is just that a freak out and I will start any time now. Bye for now. Jennifer

Bring on the Drama!

Okay so ya'll know that I went to CA for a vacation and got a chance to get away from reality for a bit...but let me tell you the drama that ensued while away from the "reality" of my life.

First off, we left OH on Thurs 12/21 in anticipation of being in CA that night. Well we didn't get there til Fri 22nd in the evening. We were stuck in Chicago (o'hare) airport overnight...and let me tell you...cots are not comfortable...nor is the floor. They had cancelled 3 flights to LAX and only brought back 1. They didn't want to be working through the night so they didn't bring them all back. So there were over 100 people waiting. We were put on stand-by for 4 flights and finally got on the 5th as the last people. We had to ask people to trade seats so we could sit together or we would have had to wait. I was down to having only 2 diapers left as I didn't pack them and even if I had they would have been in CA anyways.

But we get to CA and right away I can't breathe...amazing what a difference OH air can make. We get on the shuttle to the rental car place and poor Gabriel throws up. Then we find out that the reservation I had made for the car at the discounted rate was cancelled and we had to pay reg price for the rental which was twice as much...I was feeling great alright. I hadn't slept but 6 hours over the last 2 1/2 days and I was exhausted so whatever.

We get to my mom's around 5/6pm and I still have to get ready for the TS party I was supposed to be having there. Julian's parents had come to pick him up and I was in dire need of a shower. So there I was waiting for my friends to come over but only 2 people showed up. They all either forgot or got the days wrong. They thought it was for Saturday not the Friday. But it was nice having my buddy Nancy and the neighbor Terry there. I got to do some one on one convo's and I know if more people would have come it would have lasted longer. I had some mad bloodshot eyes it was rather scary.

The days are sort of mixed up in my head but I remember Micheal getting there and boy did he grow since the last time I saw him. I'm pretty sure it was Sun. He had chubby cheeks from having his wisdom teeth pulled the Weds before. But he looked good. I must add that Diego took awhile to go to anyone when we first got there but not with Micheal. It was like they had known each other forever. He didn't cry or anything with him. Micheal got along with everyone and it was like old times I guess you can say.

Now here's where the drama starts...I bet you were wondering when that was coming as the title suggests. So I had asked my mom to make sure no one smoked in the house while we were staying there since I didn't want the boys around it. My brother and my dad were fine with that but my sister got a little upset that I was getting special treatment...whatever! But of course she would see it that way...if it isn't about her she has to make it that way.

So Christmas morning was going great...we opened presents and were having a good old time. There was not a person bickering...okay I take that back. My dad got mad my brother had turned on the heater because the boys were a little cold but we got over that quickly. Anyways, Micheal asks his mom to take him to see his girlfriend (who by the way is 19 and he just turned 15!) so they go and we are all cleaning up from the present ceremony. Well my mom told me to call Tina (sister) to see if they were on their way back so she could start re-heating the turkey. So I do and my sister said she was down the street. I was in the back room finishing up some packing for the boys and I to go to Julian's parents house when I hear my sister come in pissed off that everything is revolving around me and how I am getting all this special treatment. And all I had done was call her on behalf of my mother to see when she was coming back. She thought I was calling her so that way she could get there, we could eat, then we could leave. Which is soooo not what was happening but she didn't wanna hear it.

She was dropping the F bomb like it was nothing and of course I was trying to ignore her as I always do. My brother is trying to defend me and such but my sister is still making it about herself. I get the kids their plates of food, I even get my niece her plate in which my sister gets mad because her daughter doesn't eat anything that I put on the plate. (HELLO it was turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes and a roll!) I am still ignoring her but of course she doesn't like that. So my brother is still trying to get her to back off of me and they get into a scuffle...pushing each other and name calling all kinds. I am telling Gabriel to eat and ignore everything that he is hearing. Nicole (niece) is crying that her mom is mad and it is upsetting her. Micheal in turn is telling Tina to calm down and my mom is telling Tina to shut up. Diego is just looking around like "what the heck is going on here". Dad is in the garage actually keeping to himself so everyone can enjoy the holiday. Well of course that didn't last long since he heard all the yelling and commotion in the house he had to jump in. He busts in the house yelling and cussing at everyone that "This is my Gosh Darn house (using the bad names) and he is the man of the house and yada yada" Well he ends up pushing my mom out of the way and that upsets Micheal and Micheal gets into a yelling match with my dad as well as Tina and Dwayne ranting at him. I tell Dad to go away and he goes out to the garage again still yelling on the way. Dwayne and Tina are yelling at each other and Dad. Micheal is yelling at Tina and Dad. I'm yelling at Tina and Dad to knock the F@@@ off. My mom is crying. My brother, Micheal and I are crying and my sister went and sat on the couch all smug. She knew she could make it about her like she always does. My brother, Micheal and Dad tell ME they are sorry for ruining the holiday when really it is my mom whose holiday was ruined. She hasn't had a drama free holiday in years. I can't even remember a Christmas that didn't include some form of drama brought on most likely by my sister. She needs to be the center of attention at all times. So the boys and I end up leaving about 10 mins later and the whole drive up to Guad, I am replaying what happened and getting madder each time I think of my sister. I don't even remember the actual drive there...it was like my body/car was on auto-pilot or something.

I call my mom when I get there to let her know I made it okay and to check on her and she said that Tina said she was never gonna come back there since I was the favorite and there was not enough room there for her. My mom had locked herself back in the room and basically cried herself to sleep I suppose. Sad!

It was pretty much drama free at Julian's parents house which was refreshing. We went to Pismo Beach to get my cinnamon rolls, saw the butterflies at the butterfly forrest, and went to see "Happy Feet". I also did have a TS party there on Weds night and funny thing was I was nervous talking with all of them...odd because I know them. I was in the kitchen all day baking and making everything for the party and it was all gone by the end of the party. I think there was something like 25 people there. I had fun though.

I went back to Oxnard on Thurs to spend time with the family or so I thought. When I got back I took my mom to see "The Holiday" and we got some chinese food to munch on before the movie. She hadn't even wanted to come thinking my dad would get mad. But I made her come along. It was my only alone time with her my whole vacation. That Fri I asked her if she wanted to go walk the Ventura Harbor with me but she said Dad wanted to go to some shooting range and she was gonna go so my brother went with me. We had fun going through the shops and taking a few pics. My mom and dad didn't even go anywhere which made me mad.

That night I got to go out with my friends Nancy and Felicia. So much fun. We went to Chili's for dinner then to Madison's in SB to go dance. I was designated Jenn which was fine by me. But there were some nasty old drunk guy that kept following us on the dance floor. We literally went back and forth across the floor trying to get away from him...lol. There was also some really drunk guy that kept saying "I'm watching you" with his fingers and eyes...gross! There was a drunk newly 21 guy that was trying to talk to me...he was little boy cute but smelled of too much beer. But it was fun for us.

Umm...I ended up going to a movie by myself and saw "DreamGirls". I didn't really do anything after all that other drama. So I went back up to Guad on New Year's Eve. Had a blast at the bowling alley with a few of Juls' cousins. I won the first game and got 2nd the other 2 games we played. And people...let me tell you this...I am not a good bowler...my high was 135. But it was fun! I didn't even make it to midnight. That is 3 my normal time so there was no way I was gonna make it. I made it to 11:40 before completely passing out of exhaustion.

The full day in CA was spent having Julian Sr's bbq. The best tri-tip known to man was made. I love it and dad knows it. He adores me and the feeling is completely mutual. I didn't really wanna go back to my parents house for fear of more drama that I just couldn't handle. We didn't get home til almost 5 and I just packed stuff and watched tv with mom.

I didn't sleep much of that night because I didn't want to be late getting up and ready to go. We had put the bags in the car the night before so we wouldn't be lugging stuff in the dark. We had to leave my mom's at 3 to get to the rental place and airport on time. Well that didn't work out right either. With all the luggage we had we were going to do the check out outside and just pay the $2 a bag but by the time we got to the front of the line the guy said he couldn't help us because we had car seats. GRR!! So we get in the line inside...granted it was a short line but that line moved so slow. With only 3 people ahead of us it still took almost an hour. So needless to say we missed out flight. We still had to go take our bags to security, go through the security check points and get to the gate and so they put us on standby for the 7am flight. We didn't get to the gate til 645 but luckily we were able to board that plane with no hassles. We did have a 3 hour or so layover in Dallas and were put on standby again with luck we got on. All in all the trip back wasn't so dramatizing. Exhausting yes...dramatizing not so much.

All in all I would say my trip was both good and bad. It was nice to see my mom although I didn't get much time alone with her as I had hoped for. My dad thinks we are going to brain wash her or something. He is a very jealous man. But I got to spend time with my brother. We took late night walks and got to chat a lot. I actually liked going to the in-laws as much as I didn't enjoy them being here it was nice there. Much less drama than my family. Gossip yes drama no. lol.

Now back to reality. I am still late on paying my car insurance, a week late on the daycare, and I have to make a car payments. Bills don't seem to understand the concept of vacations. The still come in. And I didn't even spend money in CA. Julian's parents paid for the rental and even filled the tank for me. I only put in $20 in gas. Man ...reality isn't always so nice. C'est la vie!